Not flesh of my flesh
nor bone of my bone
but still miraculously my own.

Never forget for a single minute
you didn't grow under my heart
but in it!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I'm Back to Being Obesessed

There are thousands of families still in the same situation that Gabriella and I are in - waiting for PGN to approve and release our files. The current rumor is that PGN is going to interview every birth mother before releasing any files; however some people believe that they will release the "easy" files within the coming weeks as they complete interviewing the rest of the birth mothers. This process is full of rumors, though, and you never know which ones to believe. The scariest rumor came last week in which they said that PGN was offering money to birth mothers to take their babies back. I've also heard that the birth mothers are being put through a horrible ordeal at PGN; the interviews are very intense and the questions to the birth mothers are posed in a threatening way. What is true, what is false, and what is partially true? Who knows!

I am no longer calm - I am officially back to being obsessed. My obsession comes in waves - I get obsessed, full of worry and fear, then convince myself that it is out of my control and that everything will work out. Then I read more and hear more upsetting news and don't receive any new information on my case and then become obsessed again. But, the fact that, as I understand it, there has not been a single file released from PGN in over 3 weeks makes me crazy. I think about Gabriella constantly, I think about how she is being cared for and pray that nothing happens to her while she is out with the family in Guatemala, I wonder what is happening to my file, and I have to resist the urge to call my attorney's office every day.

At this point I am having to pay additional money for foster care because of the length of time Gabriella has been in foster care (which is in addition to the supplies I am buying for her because I need the peace of mind that she has everything she needs - formula, diapers, wipes, clothing, toys, snacks). Also, even though all cases started before December 31, 2007 were to be "grandfathered" in under the existing process, the process is changing; the requirement of a birth mother interview at PGN is one example of a major change that was never previously required. This adds the extra costs associated with coordinating a trip to the city for Gabriella's birth mother from six hours away. I believe the new, extra steps in the process that were not originally part of the adoption process are also going to add to my attorney bill. This adds insult to injury: "You're not getting your baby home anytime soon AND you need to pay more money because of it."

I stay focused on the fact that I have to get Gabriella home and continue to pray for sanity at some point in 2008!

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